Roots of Leadership: Lessons Carved by My Parents

One of the most powerful learnings from my time at the Leadership Development Institute at Raymour & Flanigan was that most everyone is impacted – good or otherwise – by their parents.  And, more so by their parents’ actions than their words.  Tip to all you young parents reading this!

I learned a lot from my parents. And most of it through observation.  Here are some thoughts, at least what I am conscious of, knowing well that there was much more.

I learned that love comes in many forms. My mother often said exactly that. I’m glad she did because from my earliest memory I recall some pretty awful arguments among members of my family – we’re Italian so that may explain some of the fiery behavior – and, sometimes, it made me wonder whether they/we actually did love each other. I have since concluded that the family truly did love each other, and life and time, thankfully, has made that abundantly clearer.

Love is defined in many ways.  My favorite is “willing the good of another.”  However we got here, this is true for Lori and me.

My mother took great care of my father and for most of my observable time with them she waited on him hand and foot.  Then, later in his life my father returned the favor many times over particularly toward the end of my mother’s, and his, life. He was her caregiver during her slow and painful decline from Alzheimer’s.  One of the last things he said to me was “poor mommy”, which clearly was a call to action “please take care of her now that I won’t be able to.”

They both had a very strong work ethic. During my early years my mother’s focus was the home while my father’s was earning money, though meager, to provide for the family. My father added duty to his ethic, meaning he clearly felt his role was to make sure all the basics were covered off – a roof over our heads, food on the table, clean clothes.  I never wanted for anything growing up in the home they provided me and didn’t realize until college that material things went far beyond what I had been privileged to have been raised in a lower middle-class home. I’m thankful for this.  Material possessions can become too much of a priority taking one away from that which matters most.  I’ve come to understand that now.

My mother taught me that perception was important. She made it abundantly clear that we are to uphold a reputation that was worthy of our name. Our heritage was very important to her. And it was clear from an early age that what happens in the family stays in the family.

Family tradition and our legacy was important for me to understand and to carry forward.

We were raised Catholic, but Faith and God meant more of a behavior and a relationship than religious dogma, or so it seemed.  Prayer and living a life that was viewed favorably in the eyes of the Lord was expected.  I also learned that it is biblical that we are all products of generations of deeds, good or bad.  What we do passes forward to our future generations.   With six grandchildren now, this has become top of mind… and duty.

Home was sacred ground. Often filled with extended family, and always a place where food, camaraderie, and love abounded.  This is where I came to believe a quality, loving home was essential.  I thought everyone had this privilege.  I now know this is not the case.

My parents taught me to be resilient and independent. It was clear from an early time that I was responsible for my own success, and I could choose how I would define and pursue success. There were guide rails, spoken and unspoken, that kept me on the path, but the path was wide, and my destiny was never dictated by them. I appreciated this when I was old enough to choose and I appreciate this even more now.

I learned that you may not have everything you want, but if you work hard and stay faithful you will have everything you need. I think Mick Jagger had that right.

Finally, I learned that food matters greatly. We definitely lived, in part, to eat, versus eating to live. Food was always at the center of our family and present whether it was to console each other or to celebrate something special.  Food was a simple pleasure, as much as a gift.  Lori has come to accept this, and I am thankful that occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve have become exquisite holidays filled with dishes I cherished growing up.

Through experience, I have learned that food insecurity is real, and I am aware of the consequences – to those at risk, to their families, to the community.

In writing this, I realize I have tried hard to carry these “values” forward with our children, in many ways.  Funny how that works.  I hope they see the value and do the same for their children, or at least appreciate these things for what they are and what they have meant to me.  I pray you do as well.